I can’t describe a typical day or even week to you, because everything is always different. Since I moved to Berlin just over two years ago, I don’t have two weeks alike. Sometimes that feels too chaotic, but most of the time, I actually like this shifting energy. But it is not as though I do not have any foundational flagstones in my routine. If I am honest with myself, what I am really aiming for is enough stability to support the unpredictable parts of life.

There are two obvious anchors to my life: my normal office job and choir practice. I am at my desk in a high-rise tower at Potsdamer Platz Monday through Friday. I have choir practice once a week. This is what my Berlin life revolves around. To a lesser degree, my Urban Sports Club sessions on the weekends, often scheduled with friends to simultaneously work out and catch up, are another part of my scaffolding.

The first week in Berlin, I landed a job at a law firm. Two jobs later, I believe I have found a place to finally stay for a while. I didn’t want to leave my previous jobs, but the various conditions at either were not, shall we say, sustainable. I wouldn’t say I am in my dream job, but it is a situation that helps me feel like I have stable ground to stand on. I can pay my rent and bills, save up, and still have enough to enjoy some hobbies and go out with my friends.

About a year ago, my friend and I decided to join a community choir. It was one of the best decisions of my life. We were in a tiny, private karaoke booth with a couple more friends. We looked at each other and said, we should join a choir. We found the ad for Berlin Opportune choir on Instagram at around the same time. I met over a hundred amazing people all at once, and many of these from my normal Wednesday group have become very close friends. Yes, my range has improved in the year since I started. There is no way I would’ve chosen a high part in a song the way I have decided to do for our current repertoire. I grew as a singer. But it is the healing that I come back for. We are meant to come together in acceptance and share the joy of singing. Not perfectly singing, but happily belting our hearts out just because it literally creates good vibes.

Everything else in my life follows the rhythm of the city. If it’s not summer, the weather can be harsh. The cold, gray and rain (or snow), can be depressing. There is a lot of FOMO as I pass by so many colorful posters in the train stations advertising all the concerts, festivals, plays, new shops and cafe openings. And it’s true, so much is fleeting and temporary. I never actually want to take vacation in the summer because Berlin has so many great events to enjoy during our few good months of weather. But winter also offers lots of indoor cultural events. I have always loved the Chrismas markets, even though some windy days can be a test of endurance.

I look at photos of families on Instagram and envy the white picket fences, the shared mortgage, the certainty. Two cars in the driveway. I had a settled, married life. Now there is just my own feral wildness, eating peanut butter from the jar at 4 in the morning just back from the bar. There is no more master plan or anyone else to count on. Retirement? I haven’t even decided what I’m doing this weekend. Is it freedom or loneliness? To be completely honest, wouldn’t I find it too suffocating now, living in a house on a parched cul-de-sac? It doesn’t matter. That life is as far away from me as the moon.

There are my hours at work in a huge tower of metal and glass. There are my choir evenings. They say Berlin can keep you a hostage of the present moment. It’s true. You can give into hedonistic distractions for years. But for me, it was a place to prove to myself that I could, in fact, support myself in a new city in a foreign country all on my own. It proved to me that everything I needed was already within myself, including the ability to connect with people and make amazing friends. Despite heartbreak, disappointment and loss, I still have hope. And no matter the magical chaos of the weekend, I will be in on Monday morning. 9 sharp.